Post-holiday reality check

It has come to my attention that during this magical time of year, some people are suffering from Unrealistic Holiday Expectation Syndrome (UHES), marked by delusional expectations that are unattainable by anyone who is not a Stepford Wife. You fall into this category if any of the following applies to you:

• You believe you will get through the holiday season without gaining any weight.
• You create a holiday menu that Martha Stewart would find ambitious.
• You expect each gift you give will delight its recipient.
• You believe your daughter will not spend the entire evening texting her friends about how lame her family is.
• You expect your critical mother-in-law and/or snarky sister to sincerely compliment your hair, your outfit or your home.
• You believe that somehow this year will be different and you will not have to explain to your children why Uncle Jim is passed out on your couch long after your other guests have gone home.
• You believe that the thoughtfully chosen and beautifully wrapped gift of children’s classic stories will finally get your son to expand his reading repertoire beyond Captain Underpants and Sir Farts Alot. 

I’d like to help those of you who are suffering from UHES by offering a new definition of  holiday success. I invite you to take the following quiz by checking off which items apply to your most recent holiday gathering:

• No one fell and injured themselves on your icy front steps.
• No one had chicken pox, strep throat or a virulent stomach virus.
• No one got food poisoning from the not-quite-fully-cooked roast chicken.
• No young child or pet swallowed a battery or small toy.
• No one bought you an article of clothing that was 3 sizes too big.
• No one over the age of 5 burst into tears and sobbed the night away.
• Your Christmas tree made it through the holidays without erupting into a spectacular display of flames.
• All members of your family with whom you were on speaking terms prior to the holiday remain on speaking terms afterwards. 

If you checked 4 or more of the above items, congratulations – your holiday was a success! If not, you have my sincere condolences, but for the safety of all concerned, please allow someone else to handle all holiday-related activities from now on.

All the best, 
lctx.