BELIEVE.: Wrapping up this matter (preceded by much verbal diarrhea)

When I opened this page ready to post a 'new post', I was going to pour out what I feel right now - this absolute but empty rage I feel.

But what use would it be?

(skip 3/2 pages down to avoid the infectiously mood-destroying and depressing tirade)

It seems as though everything that's been good or pleasurable have become insignificant. Friends, family, photos.... everything seems so fake & forced. Especially with facebook - 985 photos... What does that mean? With the advent of these sites, there has almost been a race to have the most uploaded pictures with the most brilliant smiles with the most creative settings.... and so on..... Ugh. Is it not tiring? How many of the photos truly show who we are? Why do we feel compelled to keep up to this race & keep clickin' n clickin' through those pictures where a friend has been tagged in? What's with this new 'addiction' to checking the newsfeeds every 2 minutes to make sure you've haven't been left behind? How does this excessive curiosity and limitless reach into the other people's personal photo archives help us in any way? Doesn't it reduce us to Peeping Toms - albeit with a 'modern' and 'sophisticated' touch? How many of the 439 friends would I be more than willing to spill out all my deepest & darkest secrets to? How many would listen, and understand me for who I am? 

I'm not saying I do these things, and certainly not to such an extent. But the trend seems to be spiraling quickly in this direction. And its not just with these social networking sites. Lately, even these Christmas gatherings of friends and family seem empty-hearted and lacking in spirit. Perhaps its the flu going round. Perhaps everyone's tired. Perhaps it's just a phase we all have to go through, y'know? But right now, I am fully aware that I'm being selfish and self pitying - and that I should just suck it up and look at all the people who are in less fortunate situations - but isn't this yearning for recognition and love a core thread that runs through all human beings?

And the thing is, I can't just say I'm over this. Its not as simple as reading a sad story and slamming it shut to stop the rest from happening. Its not so simple as cutting through the relationship between two people. I can't just say that I'm not going to care anymore - I can't just smile and wave goodbye. The problem's not as simple as a crappy relationship or an unhealthy love. The issue won't just disappear by itself and in a few months time be something or someone that has changed me in the past and won't affect me in the present. GOSH. That I could handle. 

But this is just about me. And it's not like I can pick and choose which bits I like or dislike and miraculously form a new and improved me. I'm weak. I'm 囧. I've done wrong. I've made many mistakes. I've put on many facades. I'm pretentious yet hypocritically am disgusted by it. I'm proud. I'm indecisive. I have not made the most out of what I have - I'm procrastinating. It's like making grand plans but not having the breath to complete any of them. I'm exhausted. I'm human. And if I'm to sort this out, it has to start with understanding and coming to terms with what I feel and who I am whilst relying on God. Who am I? Isn't that a billion dollar question- but I digress. That's for another post when I'm feeling less grey.

Yet at the same time, I'm so grateful that I am able to have a different perspective to look at these things whenever I'm in this disgustingly depressed mood. I'm grateful for this blog, for my computer, for my education - that all allows me to rant & rave about things that have gone awry. I'm grateful for today's sermon about having God despite 囧 situations. I'm grateful for the fact that I'm grateful for the fact that I have loving parents that quarrel occasionally but still love each other and our family. Everyone's human. Everyone's bound to have flaws and mistakes. I'm grateful that I've learnt this fact. 

We all would like to.. but in what?

What happens when we come back round again and realise that what we've believed in were merely hollow promises?

I'm back at square one again, and though I still can't fully comprehend what it is, I'll like to say that nothing happens for no reason. Nothing is useless. We all go through similar experiences. No matter how alone you feel, the range of human emotions are repeated time & time again over history. 

For once, I'm glad to have read Wordsworth's Solitary Reaper. Literature really does free the mind & bring comfort that others are going through & have gone through the same things are you are. 


Happiness consists in activity: such is the constitution of our nature; it is a running stream, and not a stagnant pool. ♥


I guess that also implies that we have to constantly strive to achieve it.


There is always hope.