Alexithymia

- difficulty describing feelings to other people.

Right now, I would adore to be Peter Pan.

lctx.

The art of eating

I'm hungry. 

Shelves on the local mini-supermarket store.

What I really want: Macarons!

Vicariously living out my dream: Google searching spree on MACARONs

VERY DA HUNGAAARRRY! But I'm supposed to be revising.. Or doing my dreaded IA........


"All those who have been to, lived in or simply had a layover in Paris have experienced the glory of the french macaron.
Crispy, airy cookie on the top and bottom, gooey chewy center, there is really nothing bad to be said when such confections come in flavors as exotic as violet cassis and chocolate passionfruit. "


Sigh. All this reading is making me drool. If I had one of those for every page I get through, I would ace-

Okay. Going back to the books :(

******************************************************************************************

On a brighter note, I have stumbled across a new favourite word!

gas·tron·o·my
/gæˈstrɒnəmi/ [ga-stron-uh-mee]

–noun


1.the art or science of good eating.


2.a style of cooking or eating.


DUDE. right? Right?? How awesome is that? It’s g… and astronomy put together. It’s basically saying food is as g as astronomy. I mean… likening food to the magnificence of outer space? WHICH GENIUS THOUGHT OF THAT?

And it makes you sound cultured and learned.

“My friends, let us now indulge in this gastronomic affair.”


Instead of “Lets have dinner now gaiz”


-Puts you on a whole new level of sophistication.
lctx.

Post-holiday reality check

It has come to my attention that during this magical time of year, some people are suffering from Unrealistic Holiday Expectation Syndrome (UHES), marked by delusional expectations that are unattainable by anyone who is not a Stepford Wife. You fall into this category if any of the following applies to you:

• You believe you will get through the holiday season without gaining any weight.
• You create a holiday menu that Martha Stewart would find ambitious.
• You expect each gift you give will delight its recipient.
• You believe your daughter will not spend the entire evening texting her friends about how lame her family is.
• You expect your critical mother-in-law and/or snarky sister to sincerely compliment your hair, your outfit or your home.
• You believe that somehow this year will be different and you will not have to explain to your children why Uncle Jim is passed out on your couch long after your other guests have gone home.
• You believe that the thoughtfully chosen and beautifully wrapped gift of children’s classic stories will finally get your son to expand his reading repertoire beyond Captain Underpants and Sir Farts Alot. 

I’d like to help those of you who are suffering from UHES by offering a new definition of  holiday success. I invite you to take the following quiz by checking off which items apply to your most recent holiday gathering:

• No one fell and injured themselves on your icy front steps.
• No one had chicken pox, strep throat or a virulent stomach virus.
• No one got food poisoning from the not-quite-fully-cooked roast chicken.
• No young child or pet swallowed a battery or small toy.
• No one bought you an article of clothing that was 3 sizes too big.
• No one over the age of 5 burst into tears and sobbed the night away.
• Your Christmas tree made it through the holidays without erupting into a spectacular display of flames.
• All members of your family with whom you were on speaking terms prior to the holiday remain on speaking terms afterwards. 

If you checked 4 or more of the above items, congratulations – your holiday was a success! If not, you have my sincere condolences, but for the safety of all concerned, please allow someone else to handle all holiday-related activities from now on.

All the best, 
lctx.

restless & impatient

for Nikita and Vampire Diaries.

They both paused airing for the Christmas break :(

I can't believe we have to wait until the 27th of January for them both.

Very much suffering from a deficiency in tv shows- especially as its the holidays!!

Especially since they always end each episode with a cliff hanger!! And have such good promos -.-'

lctx.

(Belated) politically correct greetings..

Have a wonderful and joyful day. =]

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept with no obligation , implied or implicit , my best wishes for an environmentally conscious , socially responsible ,low stress , non addictive , gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act )

Lovin' the holidays!
lctx.

Basorexia

-verb
1. The overwhelming desire to kiss.

Acushla 
- term of address
1. Darling

& Jodi Picoult's favorite word:
Uxorious
- adjective
1. Excessively fond of one's wife

wow. Vocab learning sure is interesting.
lctx.

Miracles..

There are only two ways to live your life.


One is as though nothing is a miracle.

 The other is as though everything is a miracle
- Albert Einstein

in the land of eternal summer

- well, provided that global warming doesn't screw up our climate system :)

Enjoying the sun and heat. Anticipating a cozily bronze Christmas!


oh, and I've just started reading The Pact, Jodi Picoult. It's about childhood bffffs turned lovers, the tragic situation of how their families react when the girl, Emily is found shot dead at 3am in the arms of her lover, and the dramatic unfolding of the tale as Picoult unravels the story - as she always does - into one that truly touches the core issues of humanity.

I love her books. I can't even say how much I love 'em, cause they never fail to arouse a sense of wonder and amazement at the complexity and fragility of humankind. And they are always so touching, and always so well researched and written too...

I'm gushing.. but that's all for now, back to the book ;)

lctx.

a friend's experience with Christmas air traffic

We were all so happy when it snowed in November, but once it started snowing in December....we were all worried about our precisely planned journeys home. 

My plan appeared simple enough.  A flight from Heathrow to Paris (CDG) on the 19th, then a connecting flight to HK a couple of hours later.  This just fell apart when the snow came....the dreaded news that my first flight got 'cancelled'.   Panic-stricken, with no way of catching a flight on the same day to CDG, I had to turn to the EuroStar.

The new plan was then to take the EuroStar on the night of the 18th, stay a night in Paris and catch my flight (as planned).  HOWEVER, everyone else had the same idea which made it impossible to get a ticket.  It didnt help that the ticket counter is closed either since it prevented me purchasing a ticket for the next day. 

   

After a few frantic calls back to HK, i managed to book a Eurostar ticket for the 19th at 7pm and postpone my HK flight to the 20th.  - which made me 24hrs 'delayed' - with 'high hopes' i got to St Pancras at 3pm and saw a HUGE queue lining up for the Eurostar.  But after being told to queue up an hour before my departure time, i settled down to enjoy a cup of hot chocolate.

UNTIL I realised that the queue was getting a BIT too long and that lots of trains were being cancelled and delayed. Guess what! They were actually ignoring your ticket times and just saying that 'if you have a ticket for today, line up and first-come-first-served".  Which left me stressed out for the next 3/4hours in the queue.  Even when I finally managed to get on a train (2 more trains after that to Paris) there were TONS of people lining up.  The queue stretched from one end of the station to another, then did a couple of loops before going halfway back down the station...

I managed to arrive at Paris at 12 30 AM on the 20th (the train got delated by 2.5hrs due to 'restrictions on speed' imposed in france). 

Everything went quite smoothly after that apart from a 2hr delay after check-in, a 1hr wait on the plane due to the need to load luggage and de-snow the plane, as well as the captain co-ordinating with cathay headquarters to provide some sort of information that the french traffic control required. 

This cold and stressful journey ended when I landed in HKIA at 11am - 21st

The wait on the flight was made slightly more amusing by interesting and amusing comments by the pilot. 

"Welcome on board this Cathay Pacific flight to HK, we are very sorry for the delay.  However you should really sympathise with with passengers on the Air France plane on our right.  They have been parked there for an hour and they cant get off due to the need to move five meters foreward to the skybridge.  Without any engineers with those bright 'ping pong paddles' to guide them they'll be stuck for quite a while"

(regarding the same 'ping pong paddle') " We cannot leave until Air France moves in because we need the trolley that they are using to push us out, so our cathay engineers have gone over there to help them out! Now there is some international co-operation!"

"you'll be glad to know that we'll be able to take off soon to hk, and even more good news, the temperature is higher, the stock market and the economy is also higher in HK too"

"we are now at the snow clearing station, and those two vans you see will soon be attacking us with an airline equilvalent to gin and vodka to melt the snow on the plane" (10 minutes later) "it might be getting a bit stuffy on the plane right now because we had to turn off the ac, although it might do some of you good to breath in alcoholic fumes, its not such a good idea for us in the cockpit" 

"eventhough the french airport made you suffer earlier, i hope that we have been able to make your flight very pleasent and has managed to convince you to travel with cathay next time"

XD it's the first time i've heard such interesting announcements on the plane :p

So glad I'm in sunny Malaysia and none of the chilly-ness of 852 is even comparable to the freezing snowstorm in Europe :)

Buuuut, seeing as most my uni choices are in UK, I guess.. and am praying that that won't happen to me next year!

lctx.

first offer!

Imperial!!!
& its the course I wanted so badly too. 


Ain't it ironic that my highest reach replied back the quickest? Nada for UCL, Kings nor Warwick so far..

but-

I feel so, so grateful. And it was simply too touching to see the number of people who commented & 'liked' my status message... I was so worried, but God is so good. I put down my fears and anxiety at his feet, and he made sure to look after me and provide for me. <3

But at the same time, I still feel anxious about meeting my offer.. Sure, my predicted grades is much higher than the requirements... but my performance at school and exams always fluctuates -depending on the revision I'd done- and I'm rather nervous because I really really really want to get in.. but-

I guess its just human nature to fret and fidget about things that God has already planned for us. Despite how this turns out, I've very glad for this window of opportunity & very grateful for all that has happened so far.

This feels so surreal..

Bubbly and feeling like a kangaroo,
lctx.

"Its slippery like a newborn!"

I remember once in year 9 when we were challenged by our PRS (philosophy and religious studies) teacher to think of an analogy to describe life.

"Life is a roller coaster, there are ups and downs"
"Life is like a mother's hand, nourishing into grown ups"
"Life is like the Hang Seng Stock Exchange - you never know when the bubble might burst"
And my favourite, "Life is like writing with a permanent marker, you can never erase it"

After telling us what seemed like countless of witty and meaningful ones made up by students from the years past, she told us to go away, think about what we - the then-3yr-olds thought life was, summarize it in a single sentence. It had to be original. And boy! it was hard.

I don't remember how I answered this question with some regurgitated analogy found on the web - I didn't even think much about that matter then... At that time I had completely pushed it out of my mind: There were more important things to do; more important people to talk to; important work to complete.

Come today, I don't exactly know why I started thinking about it again today.. perhaps its because the way that these 4 years have seemed such a blurr... perhaps because time is passing by too quickly. But it suddenly struck me how life is like a newborn. Not those nicely dressed-up little dolls we see cosied up in swaths of clothing sleeping in prams; but an actual newborn, unadulterated by the world, just as it is right after birth. Slippery. Red. Exuberant. Flawed but perfect as it is.

Yes, life is slippery like a newborn.

So time is something so intangible, something we never have enough of but we can never do anything to stop it. The youngest heart and the oldest mind both must endure the merciless march of time, progressing forever onward.

All we have is this one life, there’s no going back.

No redos, no continues, no trying again.

This is all we’ve got.

We better make it count......................
lctx.

BELIEVE.: Wrapping up this matter (preceded by much verbal diarrhea)

When I opened this page ready to post a 'new post', I was going to pour out what I feel right now - this absolute but empty rage I feel.

But what use would it be?

(skip 3/2 pages down to avoid the infectiously mood-destroying and depressing tirade)

It seems as though everything that's been good or pleasurable have become insignificant. Friends, family, photos.... everything seems so fake & forced. Especially with facebook - 985 photos... What does that mean? With the advent of these sites, there has almost been a race to have the most uploaded pictures with the most brilliant smiles with the most creative settings.... and so on..... Ugh. Is it not tiring? How many of the photos truly show who we are? Why do we feel compelled to keep up to this race & keep clickin' n clickin' through those pictures where a friend has been tagged in? What's with this new 'addiction' to checking the newsfeeds every 2 minutes to make sure you've haven't been left behind? How does this excessive curiosity and limitless reach into the other people's personal photo archives help us in any way? Doesn't it reduce us to Peeping Toms - albeit with a 'modern' and 'sophisticated' touch? How many of the 439 friends would I be more than willing to spill out all my deepest & darkest secrets to? How many would listen, and understand me for who I am? 

I'm not saying I do these things, and certainly not to such an extent. But the trend seems to be spiraling quickly in this direction. And its not just with these social networking sites. Lately, even these Christmas gatherings of friends and family seem empty-hearted and lacking in spirit. Perhaps its the flu going round. Perhaps everyone's tired. Perhaps it's just a phase we all have to go through, y'know? But right now, I am fully aware that I'm being selfish and self pitying - and that I should just suck it up and look at all the people who are in less fortunate situations - but isn't this yearning for recognition and love a core thread that runs through all human beings?

And the thing is, I can't just say I'm over this. Its not as simple as reading a sad story and slamming it shut to stop the rest from happening. Its not so simple as cutting through the relationship between two people. I can't just say that I'm not going to care anymore - I can't just smile and wave goodbye. The problem's not as simple as a crappy relationship or an unhealthy love. The issue won't just disappear by itself and in a few months time be something or someone that has changed me in the past and won't affect me in the present. GOSH. That I could handle. 

But this is just about me. And it's not like I can pick and choose which bits I like or dislike and miraculously form a new and improved me. I'm weak. I'm 囧. I've done wrong. I've made many mistakes. I've put on many facades. I'm pretentious yet hypocritically am disgusted by it. I'm proud. I'm indecisive. I have not made the most out of what I have - I'm procrastinating. It's like making grand plans but not having the breath to complete any of them. I'm exhausted. I'm human. And if I'm to sort this out, it has to start with understanding and coming to terms with what I feel and who I am whilst relying on God. Who am I? Isn't that a billion dollar question- but I digress. That's for another post when I'm feeling less grey.

Yet at the same time, I'm so grateful that I am able to have a different perspective to look at these things whenever I'm in this disgustingly depressed mood. I'm grateful for this blog, for my computer, for my education - that all allows me to rant & rave about things that have gone awry. I'm grateful for today's sermon about having God despite 囧 situations. I'm grateful for the fact that I'm grateful for the fact that I have loving parents that quarrel occasionally but still love each other and our family. Everyone's human. Everyone's bound to have flaws and mistakes. I'm grateful that I've learnt this fact. 

We all would like to.. but in what?

What happens when we come back round again and realise that what we've believed in were merely hollow promises?

I'm back at square one again, and though I still can't fully comprehend what it is, I'll like to say that nothing happens for no reason. Nothing is useless. We all go through similar experiences. No matter how alone you feel, the range of human emotions are repeated time & time again over history. 

For once, I'm glad to have read Wordsworth's Solitary Reaper. Literature really does free the mind & bring comfort that others are going through & have gone through the same things are you are. 


Happiness consists in activity: such is the constitution of our nature; it is a running stream, and not a stagnant pool. ♥


I guess that also implies that we have to constantly strive to achieve it.


There is always hope.

Musings...

Routine.

Everyone follows some sort of routine in their lives.

If you’re a student, you wake up, go to school, follow a regimented schedule of lessons and breaktimes and meal times, go home, spend the rest of the afternoon and evening in front of the computer- whether it be slaving away at assignments and exams or mere idling on the internet- and finally sleep.

Or something along those lines. Give or take a few random activities. That you probably do on a weekly basis as well. Which becomes a part of your routine.

And you see? I’m already saying it like it’s a bad thing now.

For me… it seems as if routine IS a bad thing. There is something perverse about the term routine that tugs on an alarm chord inside of me and says “that’s not the way it’s meant to be”

For me, routine is almost synonymous with boring… But on what grounds are these instincts based on?

When asked what one’s purpose in life is, most people would probably say something like this, “My purpose in life is to be happy”

Which is fair enough I think. Cuz if it’s not being happy, what else is it? Right?

So in that sense, it IS okay to lapse into a routine in life if you are content with your routine.

Contentment. that’s a degree to hedonism. But surely there is nothing wrong with being content?

So then I begin to think… what some people call ‘contentment’, others call ‘complacent’. What some say is ‘comfort’, others deem as ‘comfort zones’…

What some call routines, others say are ‘commitments’. Where’s the line drawn?

In essence, what we’re doing- this routine that we get into- I think can be generally and basically bottled down to one reason. Purpose.

We seek purpose in what we are doing. We stick to our routines- not without complaint, but surely without action taken in response to our own complaints- because we believe we will find a purpose, ultimately, in doing what we’re doing.

That’s why when some people don’t find a purpose in what they do, they quit. Or they seek other things to fill the lack of purpose in their lives. Now this could come in many forms; some ‘healthy’, some ‘unhealthy’…

Society puts many labels on things. As much as we don’t recognize it half the time, we have first impressions and judgments about everything we ever come in contact with. These opinions are usually societal definitions of morality unwittingly imposed upon our subconscious minds. The other day, I watched a documentary on how babies at a young age tend to prefer white people over black people. Babies who have never been told to believe otherwise. But I deviate. That discussion for another time…

Hmm, but I suppose that isn’t completely irrelevant. Because what some people find purpose in, others may not agree with. But one thing remains: everyone believes that their own purpose is right, everyone stands in allegiance to their own advocations. Because otherwise… what else is there to cling on to if there isn’t this purpose?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”

I think there is a prodigious amount of truth in that.

In the sense that… ultimately, what we believe in, what our purposes are don’t matter. As long as we are not limiting ourselves.

And I’m not going to be the judge of what limits you and what doesn’t. Society isn’t the judge of that either.

Whether you believe in God or not, ultimately, I think there is something inside everyone that calls out for something more.

As a matter of fact, one of the things that could possibly delight someone the most is to hear, “I don’t know anyone else who would’ve been more suited to/ been better at this-this-and-that”

I think something inside everyone calls out for something: recognition

And it’s not just recognition for their achievements or talents. Or how nice they look that day or how ‘popular’ they are.

It’s a call for uniqueness.

We all want to be unique.

And for me, I truly believe right now that this is found in God… but I’m still in the making, and I’m still work in progress. I am looking for my own uniqueness as much as anyone else is, who may or may not be finding it in God.

Of all hardest of things to understand in the world, it is hardest to understand yourself. You can put a label on many things, but you can’t put a label on yourself.

Because that’s it, I think we’re all made unique. And I think that as much as we may find excuses in saying that it’s okay to fall back on routine, the fact is, I think routine limits us in one way or another. And I think every single person has so much more to show for. So much more. And one of the worst things you can do to yourself is put limitations on yourself.

Perhaps we stick to routine, because we feel it is too idealistic not to stick to it. We dismiss it as ‘reckless’ or ‘naive’….

But perhaps we stick to routine because we are scared of what it means to escape from our limitations.

Adventure is something we are all scared of.

But doesn’t the word adventure immediately ring something positive inside of you?

I guess human conditioning has some truth in it after all… it is conditioned for a reason. And adventure is certainly coined to be something positive for a reason.

So I don’t know… I can’t even put a finger on what it is that I am rambling on about right now.

All I know is that when I liberate myself from my own fears, I will open myself up to a world of opportunities that I would never imagine could be offered to someone like me… Me? Really?

So I guess what I really wanted to say is that… I will be working on that. =)

lctx.

(the photo's link to my personal tumblr)

First official day of the Christmas holidays!!

I'm so excited.. yet so nervous that this break will turn out like the rest - hardly long enough & only leaving a bitter, reminiscent taste in the mouth. With important oral examinations and scholarship interviews 'round the corner in January, I truly hope that I can keep my focus and motivation up through these two weeks..

But then again, I spent the whole of today out shopping for xmas presents for my cousins. ---- Although it was unbelievably refreshing and fun to be let out loose to shop entirely for the good of others, it was so tiring! And more so because being one of the oldest, I have to allow all requests, and living in a foreign land to the rest of my cousins ("Ooooh, HK so exotic! Shopping paradise, isn't it?? Can you get me....") Yeah, you get the idea.

***********************************************************************************************
I hate it when people text me “K” I am rarely in the mood to talk about Potassium

Just had a very interesting text conversation with a guy friend who's totally into shoes.. so much that it shames me to admit that I know less than him. It was also one of the more interesting convos I had had on a boring bus trip home because not once was there a redundant reply of "K".

Don't you hate it when that happens? Isn't it human common sense that this kind of reply is completely uncalled for and perhaps might be more forgiving if there was no reply at all. Okay, lets see how this can go:

A: Hey I'm gna sleep now, cya tomorrow!
~~~~
20 minutes later ~bleeeepbleeeep~zzzzzzzzzzzz~bleeeepbleeeep~
B: k.

How annoying is that??!

And also with all those facebook groups of "I like texting "k" to people because I know it pisses them off" "I'm only texting "k" cuz i don't wanna talk to you", don't you find yourself slightly annoying?? There are tonnes more groups with tonnes more members pleading for this habit to be obliterated especially when you've poured in time and effort writing a mini essay only to have "K" thrown back at you: "I HATE it when I text somemone, and the he/she replies "K" !!" "I hate it when you send a really sweet text to a guy and all they say is K." "I HATE IT WHEN I WAIT 30 MINUTES FOR A TEXT THATS "K" !!!" ANDDD the list goes on...

Okay, end of rant. Just really glad that none of these petty frustrations popped up today :)

Ahhh. How little things make me happy!

***********************************************************************************************
On another note.. my older cousin is contemplating getting a tattoo! And as she's into old meaningful Latin quotes, I started researching some myself & found that many contain snap, bang! bits of wisdom about life. Sooo.. I've compile my favourite 11 that I've came across (and just as a reference in case I ever feel like getting one :P):


non ducor duco - I am not led; I lead
vive ut vivas - live so that you may live

esse quam videri - to be, rather than to seem
alis volat propis - she flies with her own wings

temet nosce - know thyself
audax at fidelis - bold but faithful

amor est vitae essentia - love is the essence of life
amor et melle et felle est fecundissmismus - love is rich with both honey and venom

audere est facere - to dare is to do
non sum qualis eram - i am not who i was

and an old favourite: memento mori - remember you must die

Although the English equivalent of each is still very meaningful & act as reminders (mostly) to make the most of what we have now and be comfortable in our own skins, I think my cousin's going after something that seems exotic and cultured as fewer people would understand tattoos in Latin at their first glance unless they knew the phrase really well. All the better for avoiding judging remarks from people she doesn't give a damn about. 

Any recommendations will be very welcomed :).

***********************************************************************************************

You call yourself a killer but the only thing you’re killing is your time.

— Babyshambles - “The Lost Art Of Murder” from the album Shotter’s Nation

stay smiling!
lctx.

Shivering counts as exercise, right?

Every morning as I go to school, my bus passes by the same man running the same route. I don’t know his name or anything else about him, but we all call him Running Dude. Running Dude is a seriously dedicated runner. He’s out there no matter what the weather – hot, cold, rainy – he’s 100% consistent.  

There are plenty of runners, walkers and bike riders in HK, but Running Dude stands alone (well, runs alone) in his resolve. He alone was running at 7:00 this morning in 12 degree weather and I have no doubt that he will be running tomorrow morning while the rest of us cower in our chilly homes, hibernating beneath our lovely warm duvets. 

Like Running Dude, I love a little fresh air and exercise. In fact, I have been known to take brisk walks so long as the temperature is somewhere between 18 and 28 degrees, I don’t have an impending deadline to meet, my favorite sweats are not in the wash, and when I have a strange desire to put my 'get fit' plan to action. During the frigid winter months, I console myself with the knowledge that like walking and running, shivering surely counts as exercise, albeit not quite so aerobic. 

For me, "it's still too cold to start working!" even now, in the safety and comfort of home.

Well, rock on, Running Dude!

lctx.

“Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance, and you are not alone in this."

-Mumford and Sons……….. so raw and so much hope.

*******************************************************************************************************

Checklist:
Today was my last Christmas pantomime/assembly as an STC student.

Next week is my last Christmas break & complete family gathering - cousins, 2nd cousins and all.

I've completed all my Bio IA's & all the Major Tests for every subject.

I've sent out all my university applications.

My SEY interview is in 3 weeks.

Mocks & Chinese New Year are comin' up real fast.

My official IB examinations will be finished in 153 days.

Its going to be Christmass in 8 days, which means that half my final school year has flown by.

Can someone please slow time down so that I can catch up with myself?!

Time is slipping away, way too quickly.

****************************************************************************************************

Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

I’m in one of those moments when I realize how MUCH there is to do, how unprepared I am for everything and how doomed I am for the future. I don’t like this feeling and I wish it would go away.

But MY GOSH! Things they do to seniors!!!

I know I’m being whiney and uneccessary and I’ve just gotta suck it up, put some pants on and MAKE DO… But seriously. It’s so MUCH! Everything i pour into this month is so pivotal… It’s such an overwhelming responsibility. I feel so unready. I don’t want to go through this.

meawiufhljvvbbawehfrlwiyh;

My rant diary.
lctx.

BLURRY!

I’ve been typing so damn much that my fingers have biceps in them.

My eyes start to blur from time to time as if I haven’t twisted the focal lens on a DSLR.

Then I realized I could apply this same scenario in life

You focus on something so much that you take things for granted, things go blurry for you. Someone has pulled the wool over your eyes and it slipped right past your nose. It’s only when someone knocks some sense into you, do you realize that a lot of the values and beliefs that you once had - are flawed.

I typed 6 IAs, only needed half of them.

Tis’ be inspiration and a lesson.
lctx.

post #2

7 years ago, skiving was the ultimate horrific crime - to both me and my parents. I couldn't see why people would do that unless they planned to sneak out to smoke, hang in the toilets or do things which cannot be mentioned here on this blog. I didn't see why perfectly fortunate students would look so lightly on the privilege of obtaining education, especially since our parents pay $500+ per hour (yes, I was that sad to have calculated that out). Suffice to say, I thought only lazy, can't-be-bothered students skive.

Enter Year 13 - wow, how things have changed! Not only do I see the value of skiving, my parents seem to agree with me on this matter too x) And how wrong I was to assume that 'bad' students skive just for the sake of it. Now, reasons like "We're not really learning anything new in class", "The teacher won't be here (and therefore we have a free)", "The teacher just reads off the textbook anyways" are commonplace.

So are "I'm too tired", "I think I might be catching a cold", "Not going to school would save so much time! You see it takes an hour to get to school, 25 mins of waiting time, 20 mins of registration, 1.5hrs just on breaks, 10 minutes to get ready for each class and 10 to pack up to leav-"..... Haha, you get the idea.

Admittedly, although a day at home is less productive (school-work wise), its an amazing and much-needed rest from the rigid school day. School, work & stress inevitably builds up over the days and weeks spent at school, a day off won't be that bad.. And so we set off on a slippery slope. 

Sometimes, I think that the older we get, the more effort we have to put into living a fulfilling & content life, and the more things seem insignificant and overly tedious. It's no wonder that suicide rates increase almost exponentially as we get older (disregarding a jump in the age group of 15-24), with >85 year-old males having the highest suicide rate.

We all have times when we feel depressed. Neglected. Moody. Caught in our thoughts of the past. But as we shed our innocence and become more aware of the world around us, it's even more easy to be stuck in our rabbit hole of gloom-and-doom & find life devoid of any significant meaning. But whats the point of that? we're all given the same amount of time - 24hrs in each day - and we never know when the expiry date is.. So why don't we make the most of it - why not live without day-to-day expectations of what the future would bring? Why is it so hard for us to put down ingrained concepts that we should be cautious; that the most important is self-preservation; that we should always assess the risks of doing anything?

Why do we always hold back?

I don't have much to say here, only a bored reflection on how my attitude towards schooling has changed. Don't get me wrong, I actually do my work, revise, and have never skived any test because I felt 'unprepared'. Its just slightly fascinating how my perspective has insidiously turned 180° and how naive and narrow-minded my Year 7 self was. And how thinking about the passing of time inevitably leads me back to questioning how we age so quickly.

Gah. I feel old.
           "And you're only 17."
But then again, who are we to put a number - a value - on how we spend our days?
Today is going to be so productive...

~Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.~

post #2 - want to bet how far the count's gonna last?
lctx.

first post. as always.

So this is my first post on my brand new blog (woohoo!). But rather than import all the old junk from the blog I'm about to discard, I figured that this would be a good opportunity to start anew :)

And whilst I'm at it, I'm going to make a (slightly ambitious) promise that each and every single word written here will be from my own mouth - or rather, written 100% by me. No chunks of articles from elsewhere.No copy & pasting. No tag-along-chain-posts. Unlike my previous blogs.


So, here we go again. Hi. Call me C:), and one thing I've learnt about myself is that I rarely stick to anything for long... piano, flute, dancing, and sadly some other things that are more emotionally involved than mere hobbies. So why am I creating this (fifth) blog right at a time when I'm the most busy & stressed out about uni apps?

Good question. Actually, I have no idea. Just an urge for a new outlet for my thoughts, my rants, and sometimes a few photos too :)

As for the title... I just wanted to be as frank and bare as I possibly can here. I'm tired of pretending and facades. I'm tired of racking my brain to think of some genius name so that judgemental beings can dissect it and offer their approval/condemnation. Haha, slightly melodramatic, but I've pretty much given up fighting for approval for fear of being disappointed... for fear of slamming others for some unforgivable mistake and turning to myself and finding the same fault there.

~those that mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind~
all the best,
lctx.